Friday, February 21, 2014

I started my pregnancy in Fairbanks right before we were to head off to Idaho. Before finding out we were expecting I had signed up for a meditation series led by my amazing ex-landlord/girl crush/bendy yogi friend Linda. I didn't expect much from it, I just felt like I needed the re-set before moving to Idaho.
 I loved every class- coming out feeling hopeful and like someone had pulled a blindfold off my face. We learned to zero in on our breathing and clear our minds- allowing whatever thought may come drifting up to be acknowledged and released back down the creek of selfishness. I came to accept that I'm selfish, self punishing, and way needy! While I've always knew these things about myself.. they're not easy to admit, much less accept. Through this class I really felt something click and it wasn't something I didn't believe already resided in my natural state.

I think the most important thing I took away from the course was that I alone am in control of my mind.

It's way too easy to just give into your selfish needs and create your own pain. My self created pain manifests itself in my need for acceptance and desire to please. And that leads to all kind of negative and unhealthy self talk. It would seem that the natural progression would be to try to change- stop seeking other peoples acceptance and trying to please them. But that's going to the other extreme. (Which I'm quite familiar with..)

Instead I try to just accept the way I am. By doing that I release myself from any expectations and consequently can simply "be".

Learning to accept yourself just the way you are- not wishing you were any different than you are right now in this moment is hard. There are days when I just literally feel the thoughts in my head bouncing against  my skull telling me to overthink, overreact, and fight what my body and mind are naturally capable of and crave.

When I remember that I am the way I am and that that's okay, is when I really feel happiest. I'm not stuck wishing for anything, lamenting over something I can/can't/will never be able to change. 
 I'm free to really enjoy each moment (good and bad) mindfully.

Nothing pretty or delicate about it.  
I'm not embarrassed to say that that's how I really am. 
I wouldn't change it if I could.  

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