Truthful Friday No.2

Friday, February 28, 2014

Vivian will be 11 months in a few short days and I'm devastated! How did my baby get so big! I heeded warnings of "enjoy it because it goes by fast".. I left dishes in the sink, I left beds unmade, and hair unkempt. And there are days when I feel like I was present during every moment with Vivian. But last night while talking to Kevin I broke down a little and felt so much guilt that I might not have been fully there EVERY moment. There are times when I put her in her high chair with a few puffs or a mum mum so I could unload the dishwasher, or feed myself. While I know (and have recognized the need to take care of yourself, too!) that it's completely irrational I can't help but feel awful about it.

Is this how motherhood feels sometimes? While there are moments when I feel like my heart may explode with the pride and love I have for Vivian I also have those moments of dread and worry that I'm somehow going to let her down. 

I read somewhere that having a child is like having half of your heart leave your body and live separate from you forever. Now I really understand that. Motherhood is heartbreaking in a bittersweet kind of way. The love you develop for your baby from the first moment you found out you were going to be a mother is the fiercest kind of love. But that love comes with a lifetime of worry. Worry that you're not giving your child every thing you have, worry that she'll feel the tiniest bit of neglect or pain, worry that one day she'll go out into the world without you and not know how much you love her.

In a way I feel that these thoughts reassure me that I am a good mother and that I am aware of how fleeting time is and that it demands respect.

I know this won't be the last time where I doubt myself as a mother but I think if I can remember that the source of all my worries is really a deep rooted, crazy love for my daughter.. I'll be just fine. Because that's what it all really comes down to and if I only get one thing right it will be that Vivian will never go one single day without knowing just how much I love her. 

Truthful Friday No.1

Friday, February 21, 2014

I've decided to start sharing a truthful admission about myself and my life once a week, on Friday. It could be anything from a daily observation about myself or a quirk I've carried my whole life.
 For my first week I thought I'd share one of my poems. I was inspired to do this by one of my girlfriends who also writes and shared a beautiful poem about her faith. 
I can remember the first day I picked up a notebook and a pen and began writing. It wasn't out of boredom or for a class assignment, it was because there was an unmanageable heartbreak and sadness in my chest. Ever since that day, I wrote when I felt out of control and damaged. For that very reason I always kept my writing to myself because sharing with another person would mean complete vulnerability for me. 
In my Freshman english class we created blogs and shared our assignments with our classmates though them. We were also encouraged by our professor to share other writings we did outside of class. Thats when I shared my first poem with someone else other than Kevin and my best friend. 
The following poem was written roughly 3 years ago. It has no set rhythm or cadence. I don't have any discipline in my writing and it shows, but one day I'd like to take some creative writing classes just to better myself as a writer.  

When a bird breaks it's wing
it sings
a song of rescue, 
a song of regret.
Never second guessing the distance 
between itself and the ground.
Upon this broken wing an answer is found.

As thick as these pages are
the words will still bleed.
Staining the pages it proceeds.
You flip back from the end
to find when exactly when it broke.
Reliving it all again
and again. 

You never thought in all your years
you still be this scared
have all these fears.
Never seeing the sun though the clouds.
Paralyzed in your crippled state
you begin to decide you're too tired
to stay awake.

Then you hear the song
of a fallen bird.

It's not the easiest thing to share something that came from such a deep place.
A raw place. 
There is the chance of rejection from the reader.
Or embarrassment.
But maybe this will strike something familiar for someone
and through a few words we can be connected.


I started my pregnancy in Fairbanks right before we were to head off to Idaho. Before finding out we were expecting I had signed up for a meditation series led by my amazing ex-landlord/girl crush/bendy yogi friend Linda. I didn't expect much from it, I just felt like I needed the re-set before moving to Idaho.
 I loved every class- coming out feeling hopeful and like someone had pulled a blindfold off my face. We learned to zero in on our breathing and clear our minds- allowing whatever thought may come drifting up to be acknowledged and released back down the creek of selfishness. I came to accept that I'm selfish, self punishing, and way needy! While I've always knew these things about myself.. they're not easy to admit, much less accept. Through this class I really felt something click and it wasn't something I didn't believe already resided in my natural state.

I think the most important thing I took away from the course was that I alone am in control of my mind.

It's way too easy to just give into your selfish needs and create your own pain. My self created pain manifests itself in my need for acceptance and desire to please. And that leads to all kind of negative and unhealthy self talk. It would seem that the natural progression would be to try to change- stop seeking other peoples acceptance and trying to please them. But that's going to the other extreme. (Which I'm quite familiar with..)

Instead I try to just accept the way I am. By doing that I release myself from any expectations and consequently can simply "be".

Learning to accept yourself just the way you are- not wishing you were any different than you are right now in this moment is hard. There are days when I just literally feel the thoughts in my head bouncing against  my skull telling me to overthink, overreact, and fight what my body and mind are naturally capable of and crave.

When I remember that I am the way I am and that that's okay, is when I really feel happiest. I'm not stuck wishing for anything, lamenting over something I can/can't/will never be able to change. 
 I'm free to really enjoy each moment (good and bad) mindfully.

Nothing pretty or delicate about it.  
I'm not embarrassed to say that that's how I really am. 
I wouldn't change it if I could.  
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