We Always Find a Way to Carry on

Tuesday, May 27, 2014
I've had this post on my mind for about a month… but every time I sat down to write it I never felt I properly conveyed what was in my heart. So this may be a bit jumbled and unpolished but bare with me.
Recently I've had a few people in my life pass away, two of them being my Grandpa and Aunt. My first reaction to this kind of news would have usually sent me into self destruct mode until I was ready to actually "deal" with it (you know.. drink wine and eat sweets and carbs while sitting on the couch crying). But I have a child now, a very young child who needs me. I don't have time to be selfish and wallow in self pity, as much as my heart was broken I had to pull it together and take care of my daughter. I won't say that it's made things easier, but it's helped. I wish sometimes I could curl up and cry in bed for days, somedays thats all I want to do. But I simply can't. 
So while I deal with hard times and even harder news, I make sure Vivian has been fed and gets plenty of time outside then makes it in for a long nap and a bath at the end of the day.. I also make sure I've been eating good foods and drinking a lot of water, that I allow myself some "me" time to shower or just tune in to some music while sitting on the porch. I'm still nursing my 13 month old and she needs me to be hydrated and healthy and she needs a mommy who pays attention to her when she's running around outside.  
Being a parent is hard. One day you're only accountable to yourself and your husband, then one tiny, helpless creature joins in and suddenly nothing else matters. Because at the end of the day you would move the earth to ensure your baby was happy and healthy, and that means snapping out of any selfish destructive habits you once had. 
It's hard to find a balance sometimes when you're a parent between who you are/want to be and who you need to be for your child. I often think to myself that Vivian saved me. Maybe it's cliche, or dramatic (and to those who know me.. I'm NOTHING if not a little very dramatic!) but I'm not afraid to say it. I was a mess. 
Vivian made me a better person when she came into our lives. I needed something to live for, something to motivate me to snap out of it. It's not about me anymore, and it will never be again because the day I gave birth to her was the day that a piece of my heart left my body. I'll spend the rest of my life always trying to make things as good as I can for her. I know that means that I don't get to check out and allow myself to return to the days of self destruction and self created pain.. and I'll say that even though its been a year since I became a mother, it still kind of scares me. I don't want to fail her. 
I've learned better ways of dealing with difficult times and bad news because for me, there was no other option. I want to be a good mother over anything else and in my journey to becoming that I became a better person. 
So while it still hurts me to think about loosing my loved ones, I find comfort when I look at Vivian. When I nurse her for the 100th time or scrub sticky popsicle and dirt off of her at the end of the day.. I'll be comforted knowing that the circle of life is continuing and I'm right in the middle of it raising my little girl. And I like to think my Grandpa and Aunt would be proud of that.



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