Truthful Friday No.2

Vivian will be 11 months in a few short days and I'm devastated! How did my baby get so big! I heeded warnings of "enjoy it because it goes by fast".. I left dishes in the sink, I left beds unmade, and hair unkempt. And there are days when I feel like I was present during every moment with Vivian. But last night while talking to Kevin I broke down a little and felt so much guilt that I might not have been fully there EVERY moment. There are times when I put her in her high chair with a few puffs or a mum mum so I could unload the dishwasher, or feed myself. While I know (and have recognized the need to take care of yourself, too!) that it's completely irrational I can't help but feel awful about it.

Is this how motherhood feels sometimes? While there are moments when I feel like my heart may explode with the pride and love I have for Vivian I also have those moments of dread and worry that I'm somehow going to let her down. 

I read somewhere that having a child is like having half of your heart leave your body and live separate from you forever. Now I really understand that. Motherhood is heartbreaking in a bittersweet kind of way. The love you develop for your baby from the first moment you found out you were going to be a mother is the fiercest kind of love. But that love comes with a lifetime of worry. Worry that you're not giving your child every thing you have, worry that she'll feel the tiniest bit of neglect or pain, worry that one day she'll go out into the world without you and not know how much you love her.

In a way I feel that these thoughts reassure me that I am a good mother and that I am aware of how fleeting time is and that it demands respect.

I know this won't be the last time where I doubt myself as a mother but I think if I can remember that the source of all my worries is really a deep rooted, crazy love for my daughter.. I'll be just fine. Because that's what it all really comes down to and if I only get one thing right it will be that Vivian will never go one single day without knowing just how much I love her.