Present

I'm on day 3 of my social media cleanse and it's been nice to get a break. I already feel less busy mentally and I haven't really had the urge to check in to see what everyone else is doing (but no one get engaged or pregnant before I come back, okay?!). I thought I'd be having "withdrawals" but its been pretty easy. 

Other then my absence from FB/IG things have been pretty routine around here- I've been going to Crossfit (twice yesterday!) and had a play date with my friend Allison and her sweet son. As if just spending time with them wasn't cheering up enough, Allison brought me flowers! I tell ya, if she wasn't already married I'd wifey her ;)

Vivian mooching off of Uriah's Bagel ;)

Last night after dinner I headed out to water my plants and took Vivian with me, as usual. When I was finished Vivian wasn't ready to head inside so i just sat down in lawn chair and watched her play. She was picking up her little cups and dipping them into her kiddy pool and dumping the water out all over herself. The sky was pretty amazing too, right before it started getting "dark" it was the softest blue leading into pinks and oranges where the sun was setting. You could see the moon, a crescent and while staring at it.. I felt so grounded. I thought about the earth spinning around the sun and the moon spinning around us and how I was in that chair occupying such a small space in the grand picture of it all, and here I was just watching this little girl splash around in her diaper. I felt humbled and peaceful when I started to tear up at the awesomeness of it all. 

I didn't feel the need to run inside and get my camera. 

I was just present &

I soaked in every second of it.

Taking Time to Heal.

I wrote the following post a few weeks ago. I didn't post it because I thought maybe it was too whiny? I often think people won't get these kinds of posts because they're not pretty. But honestly, this is how I've been feeling a lot lately. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of times in my day when my cheeks hurt from smiling and I think "this is my life.. and it's pretty great!".
Since I was in middle school I've struggled with depression and anxiety, low self esteem and self harm and while I've made so much progress in my life and am happy with where I am mentally and emotionally, I can sometimes feel myself slip back into my old ways. It's so easy because it was comfortable to me for so long.


I could use a little inspiration today. 

I've been feeling unclear and mentally drained.

I've always had a rapid fire brain and I can jump from zero to crazy in only seconds.

I know exactly what my mind needs, what it craves.. but it's hard when I have a sweet little one year old who demands all of my attention 98% of the time. 

I need some alone time, maybe in the mountains

I need the chanting of friend to lead me into peaceful mindfulness

I need to hit the pause button 

I need to heal my emotional wounds instead of slapping on a bandaid

But for the moment a hot yoga class will have to make due

where I can sweat out  everything-

get out every last drop of self criticism

& Crossfit where I can lift something heavier than my problems.

I just have to keep calm.

keep breathing.

keep smiling.


With that being said, I'm going to do something about it. I need to simplify my life in order to slow things down and take care of myself. Heal myself. After some thinking and reflecting I've decided to cut out social media for awhile, until I get into a good flow. I know what your thinking "is she that obsessed with Facebook/Instagram?!"... yeah.. I kinda think I am haha. While I don't spend every minute of every day on it, sometimes stuff I see on there gets to me and kind of breaks me down. Makes me feel self conscious or not good enough. I find myself trying to impress other people or make my life look "good" thinking that it will manifest itself in real life. So I'm going to take a break. Work on things from the inside out

I wrote a post about how being a mother has changed the way I handle difficult times, and this is no different. I can't keep letting myself brush off feelings in hopes they'll fix themselves.
This is the year of zero bullshit!

I'll continue to blog once or twice a week because I find that it's a place for me to be open and honest with myself, also to share what I'm doing to heal myself (AND to post ridiculous amounts of pictures of Vivian! because I know thats why half of you all come here (; ).

So I'm pretty excited and looking forward to slowing things down and taking a break for a bit.
I hope you'll check back here from time to time ;)

We Always Find a Way to Carry on

I've had this post on my mind for about a month… but every time I sat down to write it I never felt I properly conveyed what was in my heart. So this may be a bit jumbled and unpolished but bare with me.

Recently I've had a few people in my life pass away, two of them being my Grandpa and Aunt. My first reaction to this kind of news would have usually sent me into self destruct mode until I was ready to actually "deal" with it (you know.. drink wine and eat sweets and carbs while sitting on the couch crying). But I have a child now, a very young child who needs me. I don't have time to be selfish and wallow in self pity, as much as my heart was broken I had to pull it together and take care of my daughter. I won't say that it's made things easier, but it's helped. I wish sometimes I could curl up and cry in bed for days, somedays thats all I want to do. But I simply can't. 

So while I deal with hard times and even harder news, I make sure Vivian has been fed and gets plenty of time outside then makes it in for a long nap and a bath at the end of the day.. I also make sure I've been eating good foods and drinking a lot of water, that I allow myself some "me" time to shower or just tune in to some music while sitting on the porch. I'm still nursing my 13 month old and she needs me to be hydrated and healthy and she needs a mommy who pays attention to her when she's running around outside.  

Being a parent is hard. One day you're only accountable to yourself and your husband, then one tiny, helpless creature joins in and suddenly nothing else matters. Because at the end of the day you would move the earth to ensure your baby was happy and healthy, and that means snapping out of any selfish destructive habits you once had. 

It's hard to find a balance sometimes when you're a parent between who you are/want to be and who you need to be for your child. I often think to myself that Vivian saved me. Maybe it's cliche, or dramatic (and to those who know me.. I'm NOTHING if not a little very dramatic!) but I'm not afraid to say it. I was a mess. 

Vivian made me a better person when she came into our lives. I needed something to live for, something to motivate me to snap out of it. It's not about me anymore, and it will never be again because the day I gave birth to her was the day that a piece of my heart left my body. I'll spend the rest of my life always trying to make things as good as I can for her. I know that means that I don't get to check out and allow myself to return to the days of self destruction and self created pain.. and I'll say that even though its been a year since I became a mother, it still kind of scares me. I don't want to fail her. 

I've learned better ways of dealing with difficult times and bad news because for me, there was no other option. I want to be a good mother over anything else and in my journey to becoming that I became a better person. 

So while it still hurts me to think about loosing my loved ones, I find comfort when I look at Vivian. When I nurse her for the 100th time or scrub sticky popsicle and dirt off of her at the end of the day.. I'll be comforted knowing that the circle of life is continuing and I'm right in the middle of it raising my little girl. And I like to think my Grandpa and Aunt would be proud of that.

This Blog Deal..

It's been awhile since I last blogged and honestly it's because I haven't really felt like it! I think I'm still trying to figure out what I'm even doing writing a blog. There are blogs about life styles, fashion, health, babies.. whats my little corner of the internet really about other than updating my family and friends about my family (with the occasional random deeper thought from my brain thrown in here..). I often feel like I don't really have anything to write about that other people would find interesting. 

I don't go on awesome adventures or have a good sense of style, and I'm not a fitness model or health food freak. My pictures are ALL taken with an iPhone!! I'm just a mom and a wife trying to keep it together when most days it feels like it's all falling apart. 

Obviously I lead a very glamorous life

I mostly blog when I'm feeling heavy hearted, or I make a realization for myself. So I guess it's like a journal.. that everyone with internet access can read?! Sometimes I'll stay up late on my phone writing in bed while Kevin snores next to me, and never post it because.. well, it was just for me. Sometimes I hit that publish button and quickly close my computer with my eyes shut. 

I have about 4 or 5 blogs that I read regularly. I've asked myself why I'm so nosey and why I continue to read about other peoples lives instead of working on perfecting my own. 

not a happy bunny

But I think that's exactly why I do enjoy blogging and reading other peoples blogs so much- because no one has it together, "perfect" doesn't exist! I love reading about another mommies rough teething nights, or someones overactive anxiety problem because "omg that's me!!".

 I've always loved peoples flaws (it makes them unique and beautiful) and the human connection that is made though shared experiences- this blogging world really wraps it all up.

So thank you for reading and commiserating with me again and again.

Vivian's 1st Birthday!

We had the best weekend, I never wanted it to end! But let me tell you.. I was so emotional! Luckily the my-baby-is-so-big so now-Im-going-to-cry and feel-sorry-for-myself feeling went away by 6pm Friday and then I was just so happy and excited about how amazing this first year has been.  

Since her actual birthday was Friday we started the birthday festivities that morning. She started out with a nice long nursing session (btw, I'm so stoked about making it to 1 year of breastfeeding! It's been  one of my goals since I found out we were having a baby) then I let her open a present from my Mom. It was a book with these adorable illustrations and made me cry when I read it to her later (thanks Mom! Because I wasn't emotional enough..!). Then I made some whole wheat crepes topped with peanut butter, banana, and blueberries. Vivian eats everything I give her but she wasn't feeling the crepe and ate around it until I put some no sugar added apple sauce on it then she scarfed it down! 

Then we got dressed and took a few pictures. Vivian made me work for these! I had to bribe her with puffs for half of them then nurse her again to get the rest haha. I have a feeling its just going to get harder and harder to get pictures of her as she starts walking around more. 

She went down for a nap and my sister-in-law came over to hang out and play with the birthday girl once she woke up. 

When she left me and Vivian played and picked up the house a little then headed to the park to wait until everyone came over and Kevin got off work. 

We had pizza (none for Vivian, yet!) and I made a cupcake version of her cake for her to dig into & I had my dad and step-mom on FaceTime while we sang to her. 

Then we opened up some presents and once again I was reminded of how spoiled this little girl is haha! The big hit of the day is this small "walking" dog my step-mom got her, obviously she loved it!! She was giving it kisses all night :)

(not a great picture, but her face is the BEST!)

Saturday we had her party and so many of our friends and family members came! My friend Allison came with her hubby and little boy Uriah and our other friends brought their niece so we even had some babies.

She was crazy about the cake I made her and that was a relief because she wasn't really into the cupcake Friday night. I chose to make her cake without any artificial sugar or white flour, and the frosting was made with only cream cheese, apple sauce and vanilla. When things didn't go as I expected the night before, some part of me wished I had given in and just got her a regular cake. But she was in the party spirit Saturday and just destroyed her cake! She would have sat there and finished the whole thing if I had let her. Kevin even went over and started digging in ;)

She did so well with all of the guests considering we don't get out and around people too often. She even got up and did some walking to show off! It was such a fun day and the last handful of people didn't leave until close to 9:30. 

I have had the BEST year ever being a mom. I love watching Vivian grow and learn and she has helped me to do the same. 

Thank you to all of our friends and family near and far- you all have helped us in so many ways and have made Vivian's first year so wonderful!

Our Baby Girl's 1st Year

I can't believe Vivian is going to be one in just a few days. It's very bittersweet thinking of how much she's grown, but I love watching her learn everyday. I thought I would write down a bit about her first year (mostly boring parent-type stuff!). 

Sleep- I had no clue what to do when we brought her home from the hospital! The first night home it felt wrong to put this tiny little girl in a crib all by her self so her and I slept on the couch so Kevin could get some rest. It worked for us as I never worried that I would roll over on her and it made night nursing so easy, most of the time we would both fall asleep in the middle of it. 

Vivian has maybe slept through the night 4 times and that just means she slept longer than 6 hours at a time. I feel like it was a lot easier when she was a newborn because even though she was up every 1-2 hours I would put her right back to sleep with nursing. She slept in our bed until about 6 months, then she started napping in her crib then at about 8/9 months she was sleeping in her crib at night. Ever since she made the switch to her crib at night she has a hard time sleeping in our bed, which kiiiind of sucks because on the nights of bad teething pain I would love to just have her with us so I don't have to walk down the hall 5 times a night! Overall though, I think the switch to her crib has made everyone sleep a little better. 

Currently she's up anywhere from 2-4 times a night. Things were really great for about 5 days and she was only waking up 1 or 2 times a night then she started cutting more teeth… it really takes a tole on us, but I'm a lot more calm than I was a few months ago. I'll admit that I miss her so much when I put her down and often don't fall asleep myself until after she's woken up the first time and I've soothed her back to sleep. 

Feeding- I am proud to say that we have been very successful with breastfeeding from day one. I (again) didn't really know what I was doing. At the hospital a nurse helped me latch Vivian on just minutes after she was born and she took to it beautifully but after that we were kind of on our own. Every time the lactation consultant came to check on us Viv was sleeping haha. I did some research while I was still pregnant and watched videos, but I didn't really know that much. I didn't know if I should wake her if she slept too long, or if I should feed her off of one side or two. All I knew was to feed her as often as possible and that I needed to stay hydrated and fed. To this day she's never had formula and I haven't had any supply issues. 

When my dad and step mom cam to visit when Vivian was 3 months old my step mom took me to Babies R Us for a little shopping spree. When we got to the formula section she asked me what brand I wanted to use, and I just said "I don't need any, I'm breastfeeding". There wasn't any doubt in my mind that this was how I would feed my baby and I didn't even think about any other way. I'm so proud of our breastfeeding journey and will continue for as long as she wants. 

We started baby lead feeding at 6 months and I love it. The only times I've ever really spoon fed Vivian is with yogurt just this past month (but she'd much rather do that herself too!), other than that she has fed herself. I liked the idea of letting her determine what she wanted to eat and when she was done eating, BLF is also supposed to encourage children to not be picky eaters in the long run and so far Vivian eats everything (but we'll revisit that when she's in the terrible 2's!). She hasn't had much meat, just the odd piece of chicken here and there. I've only held of because I don't like the idea of the hormones and other disturbing things meat is usually treated with, but since we've been getting our meat from Whole Foods I feel a little better about letting her have some. She loves blueberries and bananas (she says "nanana") and these organic Happy Puffs. She's never really taken to a bottle but girlfriends loves herself a straw cup, so I always have one out with water and she gets so proud of her self when she drinks out of it. 

Teeth- She didn't get her first tooth until she was 10 months and they haven't stopped coming in since! She finally had her 4th tooth come all the way in and the next two have started already. I know not all babies experience teething pain the same way, but Vivian is one of those babies who wakes in the middle of the night with tears rolling down her cheeks and her hand jammed in her mouth. It's heartbreaking! I gave her baby Tylenol once and I don't think it did anything, and I felt guilty for giving her all those chemicals. So I got Hyland's Teething Tablets and those may or may not have worked but I felt much better about giving them to her because they're all natural. I'm not looking forward to her molars coming in because I've heard those are the worst!!

Play- Vivian is a pretty independent player (until her walker runs into a wall then the tears start haha). She is mostly interested in non-toy/don't-play-with-that things like cards from my wallet and baby wipes. But she does love her light up hippo that you put these plastic colored shapes into and it lights up with the color of the shape and says the shape/color. She's in love with her walker, it cracks me and Kevin up when she uses it because she gets all serious and goes so fast haha, it's especially cute when she's naked and we can she her little booty! I've been bringing it outside with us on nice days and letting her use it on the side walks. She always gets distracted by waving the big kids riding by on their bikes. We go to the park down the street to swing and I'm excited for her to start walking for real so we can go run around in the grass and go down slides. 

Cloth Diapering- We've been CDing since about 3 months and it's worked out pretty well for our family. I haven't had any "I wish I didn't do this" moments, yet.. :). Sometimes she'll get small rashes and I haven't figured out if its from the diaper detergent or from teething, but my bet is on teething. All of our diapers are pocket diapers and I chose the style because it seemed like the easiest for Kevin and anyone who's watching her to figure out. The majority of my stash is OhKaty diapers (these rarely leak so they're our overnight diapers, and the ones I keep in my diaper bag regularly) but we also have Bum Genius (didn't like these at first but they seem like they'd hold up the longest), Charlie Banana (our fancy, go on a play date diapers! Super soft and trim fitting), and Tweedle Bugs (my work horse diapers, I try to use these before any of the others to save the others from excess use. These are the cheapest ones so I'm worried about them breaking down. These also have a tendency to leak so I don't use them for over night.) I try to take special care of all of them so I can reuse as many of them as possible for our future children. I like not buying diapers and it makes me feel good knowing I'm not adding even more garbage to the land fills. 

Personality- It's funny because she's only a year old but she's got a big personality. She's so sweet and is always sharing. She'll try to put her puffs in my mouth, or hold her blanket up to my face like she does to herself. She is a ham! Always making silly faces and noises, squealing and talking to get attention. She does have her diva moments- she's starting to throw herself on the ground and arch her back when she doesn't get what she wants haha. She's always been a mama's girl but she's getting better about being around other people as long as she "knows" them. She loves Kevin's mom because she watcher her 2 times a week when I go to the gym. Lately thought she's been very clingy and not wanting to do anything but be held by me and I have no objections because I'm still a little sad about her growing up so fast :) She likes to be carried in the Ergo when we're out and about and is always waving and smiling at people. Her and Kevin have something wonderful, she'll just be so content sitting next to him on the couch resting her head on this arm.

 She is so much fun and makes even she darkest of times brighter. 

Next post will be about her First Birthday party!

Babies

I've said before that mothers are the ones who truly know the meaning of the saying "time flies". We really are the keepers of time. It's bittersweet as your newborn becomes a baby and your baby become a toddler, all within a year! But I look forward to all the fun that comes with having a toddler and watching Vivian learn and grow even more.

Vivian and I were walking with her old lady walker on the side walk yesterday and a woman came around the corner and Vivian waved, naturally :) the woman had a big ol' round baby belly and I knew  what she was doing. I know because I was doing the same thing exactly one year ago, long walks to Barber Park to help get my baby out! Seeing this woman, and chatting about her baby's late (3 days over due!) arrival and the hospitals procedures made me feel very nostalgic. 

It made me really appreciate the amazing things our bodies are capable of and how wonderful the gift of life is. 

Life.. it really comes full circle and just keeps on moving. 

Of course I have crazy baby fever now, too! I mean, I have had it for months now (probably making me certifiably crazy as I haven't gotten a good nights sleep in a year!). But there is just something so natural and wonderful about being pregnant and having a baby, it truly is the best thing I have ever done and probably will ever do. While I definitely want to be able to experience it all again (and again, and again haha) I really want to just enjoy this time I have with Vivian, with just us two. 

Since Vivian wasn't exactly planned (hey! the best things in life often aren't) I think it would be fun to try things the old fashioned way for baby number 2. So until we get to that point in our lives I'll just be soaking up my little Vivian and our little family of three.