Truthful Friday No.2

Vivian will be 11 months in a few short days and I'm devastated! How did my baby get so big! I heeded warnings of "enjoy it because it goes by fast".. I left dishes in the sink, I left beds unmade, and hair unkempt. And there are days when I feel like I was present during every moment with Vivian. But last night while talking to Kevin I broke down a little and felt so much guilt that I might not have been fully there EVERY moment. There are times when I put her in her high chair with a few puffs or a mum mum so I could unload the dishwasher, or feed myself. While I know (and have recognized the need to take care of yourself, too!) that it's completely irrational I can't help but feel awful about it.

Is this how motherhood feels sometimes? While there are moments when I feel like my heart may explode with the pride and love I have for Vivian I also have those moments of dread and worry that I'm somehow going to let her down. 

I read somewhere that having a child is like having half of your heart leave your body and live separate from you forever. Now I really understand that. Motherhood is heartbreaking in a bittersweet kind of way. The love you develop for your baby from the first moment you found out you were going to be a mother is the fiercest kind of love. But that love comes with a lifetime of worry. Worry that you're not giving your child every thing you have, worry that she'll feel the tiniest bit of neglect or pain, worry that one day she'll go out into the world without you and not know how much you love her.

In a way I feel that these thoughts reassure me that I am a good mother and that I am aware of how fleeting time is and that it demands respect.

I know this won't be the last time where I doubt myself as a mother but I think if I can remember that the source of all my worries is really a deep rooted, crazy love for my daughter.. I'll be just fine. Because that's what it all really comes down to and if I only get one thing right it will be that Vivian will never go one single day without knowing just how much I love her. 

Truthful Friday No.1

I've decided to start sharing a truthful admission about myself and my life once a week, on Friday. It could be anything from a daily observation about myself or a quirk I've carried my whole life.

 For my first week I thought I'd share one of my poems. I was inspired to do this by one of my girlfriends who also writes and shared a beautiful poem about her faith. 

I can remember the first day I picked up a notebook and a pen and began writing. It wasn't out of boredom or for a class assignment, it was because there was an unmanageable heartbreak and sadness in my chest. Ever since that day, I wrote when I felt out of control and damaged. For that very reason I always kept my writing to myself because sharing with another person would mean complete vulnerability for me. 

In my Freshman english class we created blogs and shared our assignments with our classmates though them. We were also encouraged by our professor to share other writings we did outside of class. Thats when I shared my first poem with someone else other than Kevin and my best friend. 

The following poem was written roughly 3 years ago. It has no set rhythm or cadence. I don't have any discipline in my writing and it shows, but one day I'd like to take some creative writing classes just to better myself as a writer.  

When a bird breaks it's wing

it sings

a song of rescue, 

a song of regret.

Never second guessing the distance 

between itself and the ground.

Upon this broken wing an answer is found.

As thick as these pages are

the words will still bleed.

Staining the pages it proceeds.

You flip back from the end

to find when exactly when it broke.

Reliving it all again

and again. 

You never thought in all your years

you still be this scared

have all these fears.

Never seeing the sun though the clouds.

Paralyzed in your crippled state

you begin to decide you're too tired

to stay awake.

Then you hear the song

of a fallen bird.

It's not the easiest thing to share something that came from such a deep place.

A raw place. 

There is the chance of rejection from the reader.

Or embarrassment.

But maybe this will strike something familiar for someone

and through a few words we can be connected.

Acceptance

I started my pregnancy in Fairbanks right before we were to head off to Idaho. Before finding out we were expecting I had signed up for a meditation series led by my amazing ex-landlord/girl crush/bendy yogi friend Linda. I didn't expect much from it, I just felt like I needed the re-set before moving to Idaho.
 I loved every class- coming out feeling hopeful and like someone had pulled a blindfold off my face. We learned to zero in on our breathing and clear our minds- allowing whatever thought may come drifting up to be acknowledged and released back down the creek of selfishness. I came to accept that I'm selfish, self punishing, and way needy! While I've always knew these things about myself.. they're not easy to admit, much less accept. Through this class I really felt something click and it wasn't something I didn't believe already resided in my natural state.

I think the most important thing I took away from the course was that I alone am in control of my mind.

It's way too easy to just give into your selfish needs and create your own pain. My self created pain manifests itself in my need for acceptance and desire to please. And that leads to all kind of negative and unhealthy self talk. It would seem that the natural progression would be to try to change- stop seeking other peoples acceptance and trying to please them. But that's going to the other extreme. (Which I'm quite familiar with..)

Instead I try to just accept the way I am. By doing that I release myself from any expectations and consequently can simply "be".

Learning to accept yourself just the way you are- not wishing you were any different than you are right now in this moment is hard. There are days when I just literally feel the thoughts in my head bouncing against  my skull telling me to overthink, overreact, and fight what my body and mind are naturally capable of and crave.

When I remember that I am the way I am and that that's okay, is when I really feel happiest. I'm not stuck wishing for anything, lamenting over something I can/can't/will never be able to change. 

 I'm free to really enjoy each moment (good and bad) mindfully.

Nothing pretty or delicate about it.  

I'm not embarrassed to say that that's how I really am. 

I wouldn't change it if I could.  

Family Update

I haven't been in the blogging mood lately due to an extra fussy teething baby. So I thought I'd do a quick post to update you guys!

Vivian- She's almost 10 months!! I can't believe how fast time goes (but I totally do believe it.. I mean don't mothers know that better than anyone else?!) She's getting really fast at crawling and is starting to pull herself up on everything. She even started cruising along the couch! She can wave, clap, and do this thing we call "the ET finger" where she points at someone then holds her little finger out until that person touches her finger with theirs (& its so cute it kills me!). She's babbling (bababababa!) but no real words are forming yet, although when she's really upset and Kevin has her she'll make a "mamama" sound until I take her, but I don't know if thats on purpose or not! She's regressed in her night time sleeping since the holidays ended (obviously she isn't ready for the party season to be over!) and sometimes she is up every hour for the first 4 hours then every 2/3 after that. Last night she slept for 4 hours straight and I woke up feeling way too refreshed, it was sad. She's starting to get her first (and second!) tooth, so its been a pretty crabby week in the Sommer house. She's still got her blue eyes and they're getting lighter. And her platinum blonde hair is starting to get longer! She's usually a happy baby but when she's not, getting out of the house it still the best way to clam her down.

Kevin- Oh what a hard working man my husband is! He's working 6 days a week for a fitness equipment store and teaching Crossfit classes. I'm super excited to finally be able to tell everyone that he officially has his own gym- Crossfit Rally Point! Its been in the works for quite some time, but with all the insurance paperwork and finding a name that Crossfit approved it took a lot longer than we wanted. But we're one step closer to getting things where we want them to be! They're running it out of the back of the fitness equipment store (Boise Fitness Equipment) and soon the store and the gym will be moving into a giant and pretty awesome space just down the road. I'm so excited for Kevin and all of the great people we get to train with because they deserve a nice BIG space for all of the muscle building and just plain awesomeness that goes on there. I hope to get certified to teach Crossfit and Crossfit Kids to help Kevin and the others out with the gym!

Me- Oh gosh..! Well I'm doing good, trying to remember to breath and center myself when we're going on hour 2 of crying with the baby. I taught myself to knit a month ago and I restarted the same scarf close to 100 times haha, but I was determined to make a nice one without holes. I do my best to make it into the gym 3/4 days a week and have been doing yoga at the house on the days I don't make it in. I've also been going to a hot yoga class a few times a week when I can get Kevin's mom to watch Vivian, and I love it. Its so mentally challenging and really forces you to listen to your body. Most of my days are spent playing with Vivian on the floor or rocking her to sleep because her mouth hurts too bad to put her self to sleep. I've also been trying to be more mindful, and get into the habit of practicing equanimity when I feel myself start to become overwhelmed/stressed/sad/frustrated crazy and I feel like I'm slowly starting to gain control of my mind. I started meditation at night when I'm about to go to sleep and I would like to do it more throughout the day. I can't wait for it to warm up a little bit here (I know my Alaska family and friends are rolling their eyes.. haha) because I really want to spend more time outside.

So there you have it- hopefully this can hold you over until that tooth makes its appearance!

Vivian's First Christmas!

They're not kidding when they say the Christmas becomes a million times more fun when you have children! (And our little love bug isn't even old enough to really know whats going on.. haha!) We spent Christmas eve at Kevin's Aunt Marilyn's house with his family. We had amazing stew and stayed super late laughing and talking.

                      

When you first wake up on Christmas morning with a baby you don't even care that she was up every two hours because all you can do is be excited to put her in her Christmas dress! I kept telling her "Merry Christmas Vivian!" and she kept looking at me like I had lost my mind. 

We woke up and I put her in front of the tree so I could take some pictures of her beautiful sleepy head in front of the lights and I put on a DVD with the old Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer cartoon (you totally know which one I'm talking about!). At first it was just me and Vivian in the living room playing with her toys in our jammies. Then our my excited chatter finally drove Kevin out of bed and into the kitchen where he whipped up the fluffiest chocolate chip pancakes. 

Our family came over and we did the whole gift exchange deal. While Vivian didn't get as excited about ripping open a present as I thought she would, she did eat a small piece of wrapping paper when I wasn't looking.. Then we had a yummy roast for dinner and Vivian ate way too much potato!

After Kevin's family had gone home to sleep off the food and fun we Facetimed my Family in Alaska and Vivian got to open up a few more presents from my dad, step mom, and sister. At this point she was tired and so over the festivities but she was the sweetest and kept waving to them. 

Kevin and I haven't really gotten Vivian any toys since she's been born, and after this Christmas I don't think we'll need to for a long, long time. The girl is spoiled! She's the first grandchild for Kevin's parents and my dad so I guess it was expected!

                         

 Every day I listen to the news and all of the bad things that happen and it makes me worry a lot but there is just something about the holiday season that never fails to make me all warm and soft on the inside and makes me think of all the good there is still in the world.

I felt so grateful this year and so loved. The amount of love and support that our family and friends have given us blows me away! This has been the best year yet.

This Christmas marked one of Vivian's last "first holidays". While that makes me all motherly and kind of sad that my baby is growing out of being a baby way too fast for my liking.. it makes me excited for all that still is ahead of us. 

Our First Christmas Party

  Notice the post isn't titled "Ugly Sweater Party", despite my desire to have our first USP I found out that party planning is crazy demanding (add hauling around a teething 8 month old, AND the Christmas season..) so I didn't get everything done that I had wanted to. So our party was just a *Christmas Sweater party since everyone except two people (obviously the stars of the show!) were wearing ugly sweaters haha. 

(Sorry for the lack of pictures but I had my hands full with serving mimosas, holding my baby, and shoving doughnut holes into my mouth.) 

  For food I made my double chocolate chip cookies, french toast bake, ham & egg cups, and some crackers with cheese and salami. We started everything off with mimosas while the hot chocolate was brewing in the crock pot. And since it was our cousins Birthday (Happy Birthday Danny!!!) I had made a doughnut tower that I put candles in and we all sang him happy birthday.                                        

             

  I had our usual Christmas decorations up, but I had this extra string of lights that I was unsure what to do with. I randomly got the idea to hang it on the wall in the kitchen/dinning room to add a little bit of holiday cheer in there. I really like how it came out, and it was probably my favorite part of the party. When I was cleaning up last night Kevin and I decided it'll stick around till after the new year :)

  Overal I'd say it was a success, our last two guests didn't leave until 11pm! Hosting is a lot of work and I was exhausted at the end of the night, but I'm definitely excited for this to be our new tradition. I loved getting to spend more time with our friends and family than we usually would get to and that's what this season is all about, right?!

Making Time For Myself

I've been trying to make more time for myself lately. Having a baby makes it hard to set aside some time to do some things for yourself, but I think that doing very thing is important for your sanity! I often feel guilty if I put Vivian down for a nap and instead of cleaning I catch up on one of my shows or paint my nails. 

                                

  I'm one of those people who feel the need to have so many balls in the air at once (I almost need the feeling of being overwhelmed!). I put so much pressure on myself to be the perfect mother and wife that I sort of loose myself. Before getting married and having Vivian, I was me. I liked going to movies late on a weekday by myself, reading books for hours at a time, and really listening to music. While I might not have time, opportunity, or even the desire to do many of the things I once enjoyed doing "pre-family" life.. I can still do things that are done solely for the purpose of nurturing MY soul. 

  As mothers we feel the need (biological and self assigned) to sacrifice many things to make sure our families are healthy and happy. While many of us are more than happy and willing to give up many things for our children, we also forget that we are people with needs too. 

  And that's were I found myself a week ago. I was starting to go stir crazy in the house and my sweet baby had become a teething monster! I decided that it didn't mean I was a bad mother if I felt like I was going to loose my mind if I did not get away from this screaming, grumpy baby.. if only for an hour! It meant that I am still very much Bria- not just a walking (barely), talking (babbling), milk making service. 

  A friend once told me that it was important not to loose yourself when getting married and after having a child I think that that's even more important. If you're not taking care of yourself and allowing yourself to grow as an individual you're not being the best possible version of yourself for your husband or child. 

                    

  So with that realization I have been consciously taking steps to be better to myself. I've been making time to do things that make me feel taken care of- I've been going to Crossfit, I taught myself how to knit, and I've been taking that shower I crave but often put off in place of laundry. I've gone out for a glass of wine and food with a girl friend, and I painted my nails. I've found that I can do all of these things while still being a good mother for Vivian. I think I'm an even better mother because I don't feel so run down and neglected. 

  Kevin and I have even gone out sans baby! It was only the second time we've gone out just us two since Viv was born. Things went so well with my sister-in-law watching Vivian that I can see many more dates in our future.